Our new Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos said at her Senate confirmation hearing that she thinks that public schools should have guns in them – just in case grizzly bears attack the students. Frankly, I had never considered this danger before; however, I have now given this matter a lot of thought, as I am sure Secretary DeVos has also. The big question is this – just where in a public school is a student at greatest risk of a grizzly bear attack? Below is my list, in no particular order.
1. The cafeteria garbage cans were my first thought. Bears are famous for raiding garbage cans; however, school cafeteria garbage cans are normally kept outside the school, and Secretary of Education DeVos says that she is worried about grizzly bears inside schools, not at the garbage cans outside.
2. The cafeteria itself. That’s where the food is and that’s where cooking odors originate from. Bears are famous for their excellent sense of smell, and they follow cooking odors.
3. The gym locker room. There is really no good place for a grizzly bear to hide in a typical classroom. If a grizzly bear was hiding anywhere in my classroom at Orinda Intermediate School, I am sure that my students and I would see it as soon as we entered the room. However, most school gyms have rows of high lockers in them, giving bears places to hide.
4. The gym shower room. If a grizzly bear attacked a student in a hall or classroom, there is a risk that the student may have a concealed gun on him or in his backpack, but students in the shower are naked and therefore unarmed. (Note: Students in California are prohibited from bringing guns into public schools with them, but in many states, both teachers and students are allowed to bring concealed loaded guns into their classrooms with them; including Texas, Wisconsin, Idaho, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Mississippi, and Arkansas.)
5. A school bake sale or Girl Scout cookie sale. If grizzly bears are checking the calendar of upcoming events on a school’s web site, they could wait until the next Girl Scout cookie sale, where they could snatch a lot of cookies and possibly some delicious Girl Scouts as well! The reason I put this item last is that I think that most grizzly bears lack internet access.
So where do you think that school kids face the greatest risk of a grizzly bear attack?